


What Is Holding Is Also Being Held

by adelfie



Category: TMNT (2007), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt Donatello (TMNT), Hurt/Comfort, Mention of blood, Protective Michelangelo (TMNT), Protective Raphael (TMNT), Soft Ending, Violence, Worried Raphael (TMNT)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-18 21:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22200346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelfie/pseuds/adelfie
Summary: “As Donnie lies on the floor, his blood sinking into the carpet, he thinks of Raph, and how he’s never going to get the chance to tell him that he’s sorry.” In which Donnie learns that their withered threads were never gone. (2k7 film verse-inspired)
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 150





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Donnie’s my bias right now (since I wrote a lot from his perspective recently), but I love all the turtles, I promise! This fic has angst before healing, so just be warned. Inspired by the 2007 film TMNT and by the song “Threads” from the show Carole & Tuesday sung by Nai Br.XX & Celeina Ann. All the songs in that show are golden, and such an inspiration. They’re also a great writer’s block cure! This fic will be a two-parter. I hope you enjoy reading! :)

" _In the light of morning_

_I left my bed and street_

_Pass the park and bench_

_Where we no longer meet."_

\- From the song "Threads", Carole & Tuesday, sung by Nai & Celeina Ann.

* * *

There was a time in his life when Donatello could still recognize Raphael. A time when his sharp eyes expelled unabashed laughter and his broad green shoulders allowed hugs. He hadn't yet created the Nightwatcher as a bitter silent rebuttal to the world. There was a time when he still wanted to be a part of what remained of the family.

Donnie knows that it's his fault that Raphael is like this in the first place, and the guilt still weighs down on him like iron.

It's been a while since the fight. Words flew like rogue flames between the two of them, and then Raph left. That was 2 years, 5 months, and 13 days ago.

The Nightwatcher appeared shortly after that, and Donnie wasn't stupid. April was the reporter covering him, and as her cameraman, Casey got just the right shots, both working to promote this mysterious new defender of the city. Within a few days, Donnie confronted their human friends about it and immediately, April and Casey conceded.

"I didn't want to ask Raph, but something happened between the two of you, right?" April had asked, observant as ever.

Donnie doesn't know the right formulas for people, much less for Raphael. He doesn't even know who _he_ is, now that everything has changed so much about their family. So maybe that's why during this conversation, all he had said was, "Something, I guess."

Casey, for once, hadn't had his hands shoved in his pockets to slouch away from the world. Instead, he'd looked worried. "You tell 'im to book it or somethin'?"

"No," Donnie said, his voice rising. "He chose to go."

Since then Donnie started keeping tabs on his vigilante brother. Every so often Donnie will help Raphael with a lead on a new mission by sending word to April, who'll tell Casey, who'll subtly give the tip to Raph in the least suspicious way possible. Donnie knows to be careful. If Raphael ever learns of this system, he'll surely be upset that Donnie is trying to have something to do with him and his business. Knowing him, Raphael's retaliation will be to confront him - or worse, just disappear.

Donnie doesn't recognize Raphael anymore, his brother who is the Nightwatcher: cold and hard and distant. But he still clings to him, holding on with everything he's got, because if he doesn't, he'll drown.

* * *

Donnie knocks on Mikey's door twice before promptly sliding it open with his foot. The inside of Mikey's bedroom is spotless, which wouldn't have set such a pit of emptiness in Donnie's stomach three and a half years ago - 3 years, 6 months, and 2 days ago, to be exact. Donnie longs for the version of Mikey whose room was wild and messy and bold and unafraid to live.

Bishop only had held Mikey hostage for a few days that time three and a half years ago, but when Donnie and Raphael had gotten him back - something about their youngest had already shriveled and died.

Mikey's eyes are glazed, his circles under them dark and pronounced, and he's staring at nothing in particular when Donnie sets the breakfast tray on the nightstand.

"Good morning, Mikey," Donnie starts gently.

Mikey shrieks at the sound of his voice. Donnie barely has time to think, _This is another episode -_ before Mikey is kicking back, jumping away and crashing his shell against the wall behind him.

From the violent motion, the tray tips, and falls off the nightstand. Two slices of toast and one dash of strawberry jam hit the floor. Donnie stands there, wondering why he didn't catch it. He could have easily, and yet, his body feels like not his own as he stares at the fallen breakfast. He was supposed to feel remorse, he supposes. Maybe an urge to gasp as the food fell. But he feels nothing. It's not dissimilar to how he feels when he's sitting at his desk, working his job as an IT tech support and there's a customer on the other end who is freaking out about their computer not turning on. He doesn't feel annoyed, or sad, or anything. He doesn't allow himself to, because the moment the gates are opened, he'll feel everything at once. Is this what not having a family does to a person - or turtle?

Donnie turns to Mikey, who is curled into a corner, staring up at him blankly. Now he feels like a real piece of work for scaring his brother, so there's that. Gently, Donnie reaches out towards him.

From the corner of his room, Mikey flinches.

Donnie tries to imagine what Mikey is seeing. He knows that in Mikey's brain, in place of Donnie, there's someone or something completely different. Something that scares him. Donnie remembers researching and explaining it to Raph three and a half years ago, that Mikey's mind is still wherever Bishop sent him with the augmented reality machine they'd found him tangled up in before they saved him.

Stacks of books on neuroscience and post traumatic stress disorders and anything that had anything to do with whatever was wrong with Mikey had filled Donnie's room, and he remembered the last time Raph stood in his room to talk to him was around that time.

"What are you saying, Don?" Raph had hissed at him during one of his all-nighters. "That Mikey's broken or something?"

Donnie couldn't look into the distraught eyes of his big brother. This was what Donnie is supposed to be _good_ at. At _fixing_ things. But this was something that wasn't in any of the books, and he couldn't figure it out, because nothing was helping Mikey. _Broken?_ Maybe Donnie was the one who was broken. He didn't have an answer back then, and he still doesn't now.

Keeping his voice soft, Donnie gets on his hands and knees and crawls towards his brother. "Mikey, it's me. Donnie, remember?"

Slowly, Mikey blinks, and the clouds clear up a little from his eyes. When he speaks, it's low, as if he's afraid to provoke the air he breathes.

"Donnie. Right. Sorry, dude. Thought you were... I was dreaming..."

Donnie reaches out and touches Mikey's hand. Mikey focuses on it, then looks up at Donnie, blinking hard, like he can't figure him out.

"Dude, are you really here?"

"Yes, Mikey."

"But Bishop… has me. He has me, Donnie. You and Raph and Leo and Dad aren't real. Nothing he shows me is real."

"Yeah, but," Donnie swallows hard. "We _saved_ you, remember? You haven't seen Bishop in years. Yesterday you sat in the living room watching TV. Remember?"

Mikey frowns, like he's trying to remember. "Was Dad there?"

"No, Dad… died a long time ago, remember?" Donnie's voice is still soft, but it shakes at the reminder that everyone is gone. All Mikey has is him, and while Donnie knows a lot about a lot of things, he doesn't know how to keep a family together or how to be a good brother or how to be a leader or how to fix anything anymore. He's selfish and prideful and always thinks about himself first, even if it's not about him. Even now, he's plagued by his own insecurities while Mikey is the one dealing with a lot more. _Focus, Donnie._ "Did you sleep at all?"

Mikey's guilty expression reveals all. He scratches the back of his head, his orange mask missing and reminding Donnie a lot of their childhood days, when everything was warm and good, a smile from any one of his brothers just around the corner, free of charge and one hundred percent genuine.

Donnie pulls Mikey up to his feet and steps back. "Try to get some shut-eye, Mikey."

"I kept dreaming... about something awful," Mikey explains dejectedly, and climbs back to his bed, pulling the covers up to his shoulders.

"Again?" Donnie asks, and kneels down to clean up the breakfast mess.

"It's never really the same," Mikey mutters, and his eyes flutter shut. "This one had Leo's katanas."

Leo's… katanas. That's.. oddly specific. Donnie dreams about Leo too, sometimes. He dreams about the day that Leo left - 3 years, 9 months, and 23 days ago - and in Donnie's dreams, in his imagination, instead of making _him_ the leader, he makes _Raph_ the leader. That's what should have happened instead, and Donnie dreams of an alternate path where Raph isn't so angry and Donnie doesn't sit patrol out that night to work on his day job stuff so Mikey never gets taken by Bishop.

But things didn't happen that way. Leo had made Donnie the leader, and Leo had left. Donnie and Raph had fallen out. That had been the problem. _Donnie_ had been the problem. Some leader _he_ turned out to be. Not only was there not a team, but there was no family, either.

Maybe Donnie is desperate to bring back the past, or maybe he's just plain cruel, but he has a question for his sleepy little brother.

"Do you want to go to the surface later today and help me find some cool stuff in the junkyard? Like when we were kids?"

Donnie isn't sure what to expect, but when Mikey's eyes open in a frenzied panic, stiffening at the suggestion like Donnie's disowning him, it's clear that it wasn't the right move. His baby blue eyes shine with tears, and Donnie wishes he could stuff his stupid question back into his mouth and into his stupid brain where it had spawned.

"I - I'm, I - Donnie, you _know_ that I can't - I can't go, go back up there - " Donnie shushes him immediately, regretful for asking.

Terror lives in Mikey's eyes. Despite how many times Donnie has asked, Mikey seems to have an inexplicable fear of the surface. _What_ he's scared of up there, Donnie has no clue.

"It's fine, it's fine, I'm sorry, Mikey. You don't have to."

"I'm sorry, Donnie," Mikey says in a small, dull voice, and Donnie stands up quickly, turning around with the tray really fast because he's feeling like he has his bo staff lodged in his throat.

* * *

Donnie's hands shake as he carries the tray back to the kitchen. He can feel a headache incoming, something he developed from spending hours on a computer screen, talking to customers. As he fixes himself some tea over the stove, he glances up to see the news channel from the television in the living room replaying the latest story of Manhattan's mysterious midnight serial killer. The _Slasher._ A few days ago, April and Casey told Donnie that Raphael was searching for the killer.

Donnie makes a mental note to find a lead for Raphael to pass on to April. Maybe the Slasher is part of a larger organization. The tea kettle whistles, so Donnie goes about finding his mug. But when he turns, he freezes.

"Donatello," Raphael says, and Donnie tries to not flinch.

There was a time in his life when Donnie could still recognize Raphael. Not to say that his brother has stopped being a turtle in the past two years. But now Donnie is faced with an emotionless stance and bitter eyes. His presence is like ice, where it used to exist like fire.

Donnie isn't sure what is scarier: the _coldness_ Raphael has come to represent, or the fact that Donnie is the reason he's become this way.

Raphael doesn't usually come to the lair though - only to visit Mikey - and even then, barely ever talks to Donnie. The surprise stills Donnie from even using his tongue. Raphael's figure has changed a little since he last saw him, and his slightly more muscular build takes up the majority of the path through the kitchen, his eyes dark and cold.

"Raphael," Donnie finally says. "Hi. What are you - what're you doing here?"

"Relax," Raph grunts, a layer of indignation coating his voice. "I'm not staying long."

"I wasn't trying to - !" Donnie sharply cuts himself off as he hears his voice rising. "Look, Raphael. I'm sorry. You're always welcome here."

Raph snorts at that, rolling his eyes, and Donnie takes note of how many small fresh cuts litter the red-clan turtle's face. Donnie stares at them, wondering how in the hell his brother let himself get scraped up in the _face._ He resists the urge to grab the first-aid box and order Raphael to sit. Raphael is not one to be ordered. He'll push back, and then he'll push away.

Donnie forces his hands to stay at his sides before they start reaching for Raphael.

"Where's Mikey?" Raphael asks. "How is he?"

"In his room. He's sleeping. Had a rough night last night," Donnie replies, and then adds, "I'm still searching, you know."

Raphael just looks at him sideways. Like there's not this big elephant in the room.

"I just wanted to let you know," says Donnie. "I haven't given up. I won't, ever."

Raphael nods, but it's only once, as if its sole purpose is to recognize that Donnie's words are meaningless. It's a blow to Donnie's pride, or whatever's left of it. Their fight two years ago knocked Donnie down, but he's done most of the damage on his self esteem since then himself.

_Pathetic,_ Donnie thinks. _I'm pathetic. I couldn't save Father from his heart attack, I couldn't convince Leo to take all of us with him, I couldn't save Mikey -_

Donnie is so lost in his own poisonous thoughts and emotional floundering that he doesn't hear what Raphael is saying until his brother drops the words "April" and "finding leads" and "the Slasher."

It's enough to pull Donnie back, and he searches Raphael's eyes in panic. He hasn't figured out that Donnie's been helping him, has he?

"Wh-what?"

Raphael glares at him with a hardness that makes Donnie see the Nightwatcher and not his brother. His headache pulses through his temples. Raphael's eyes soften a fraction, and there's a sliver of confused concern in his voice when he speaks next.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"It's nothing, it's just a headache," Donnie says. "You said something about the Slasher?"

"I could use a lead on him," Raphael replies, setting a hand on one of his sais that sit at the ready on his belt. "April refused to ask for me."

Donnie stares at him. "You… _want_ my help?"

Raphael growls at Donnie. "Forget it, then."

Just like that, the Nightwatcher turns, as if this conversation is like holding his breath underwater and he can't wait to get to the surface and leave. Donnie is met with the full sight of Raphael's shell as he walks away, and the desperation surges.

_Don't go._

"Wait - what? Where are you _going_?" Donnie cries.

_Please stay._

Raphael doesn't respond, continuing to walk. But Donnie is every bit a ninja as his brothers, and suddenly he's in front of Raphael, blocking the Nightwatcher's path, and puts a hand on his plastron.

"You can't just come here and then _leave,_ Raphael. I haven't talked to you in forever. You left on bad terms - "

"Oh, not this. I don't have _anything_ to talk about with you."

Shoving him aside, Raphael reaches the tunnels.

"Raphael, _don't_ \- " Donnie's breath hitches on the words, but he pushes through. "Don't _leave_ me. I need you here."

Raphael's laugh is dry. "Leo left you in charge. You're the new leader."

"And I feel that was a bad call too, because I'm going insane with trying to figure out what's wrong with Mikey. Be my guest to bring it up with Leo when he gets back and - "

"Leo's gone, Donnie," Raphael snaps back harshly. "He left us, for good. He doesn't want anything to do with us anymore."

"But - "

"I looked all over for him, and when I found him, Donnie? He wasn't even _recognizable_. Do you know what that's like?"

All the emotions then cloud over Raphael's face, years of pain coming into the light. Donnie closes the gap between him and his brother, and doesn't stop himself from reaching out to cup the side of Raphael's head to see that pain up close, to take some of its burden away from his brother. It may be his imagination, but Raphael leans into the touch. At least he doesn't pull away.

"You saw Leo recently?" Donnie asks.

Raphael nods. "Last year. He was in the middle of some - I don't even know what kind of mission. But he didn't want to come home. Barely wanted to talk to me. He… _he attacked me._ I don't… if I didn't know any better, I'd say he wasn't our brother."

"That can't be right," Donnie says. "He'd want to come home. He's Leo."

"I don't know _what_ he is."

"We should bring him back home. Talk to him."

Raphael pushes Donnie's hand away. "You can go and try that. I'm not going to."

Donnie knows that Raphael resents him for being named leader and blames him for Mikey's delusioned mental state. But he can't watch his family rip apart anymore than it already has.

"Raphael, please cooperate with me. We're stronger with Leo, and we never leave each other behind. Do you really think Leo would do that to us?"

"You don't know what he's like now. And you don't _want_ to know, trust me."

"But, Raphael!"

"And you know what? Maybe this is for the best. After all, we've lived in Leo's shadow our whole lives!"

"No, we haven't. That's ridiculous."

"Maybe you haven't noticed, but _I_ have. Maybe that's why you don't get it."

Donnie frowns. "Yeah, I _don't_ get the Nightwatcher thing. I don't get how it's become your whole life and me and Mikey are basically your old pair of socks."

If the comment bothers Raphael, he doesn't let it show on his face. "The _point_ of the Nightwatcher is to protect. To _help._ Unlike _you,_ who just sits around on his tail all day to do some _crummy_ IT job."

"We need _money!_ " Donnie exclaims.

"Look, if that helps you sleep at night? Fine. I don't want to argue with you all day about how I live my life. I didn't even _want_ to come here. Just tell me if you get a lead on the whole Slasher thing."

Raphael's eyes are full of irritation and his mouth zips itself into a straight line. This conversation is over, and he steps away from Donnie, putting on his cold Nightwatcher face, the one devoid of any emotion, the one Donnie hates so much. Donnie knows that he's the reason Raphael left two years ago. He knows fighting isn't going to solve anything. But he's angry, and nothing he says will get Raphael to stay. So he shoves against Raphael's plastron, barely pushing him back at all.

"Fine! _Go,_ then! Be the Nightwatcher! Keep brooding and sulking, but just know that _you're_ doing the same thing as _Leo_ , you - you _asinine_ \- hotheaded - infuriating - "

Something shatters in distance, and it sounds like Mikey's waking up, scared of something, maybe the noise. Raphael's eyes move up with a twinge of concern, past Donnie. Donnie, for his part, doesn't budge. Three years of Mikey's condition has normalized a few things that shouldn't be normal at all.

"You going to get that?"

Donnie steps back. "I _hate_ you," he says before he can really stop and think about his words. He regrets it the moment he says it. Maybe he wants to feel like he's the one pushing Raphael away, because it'll hurt less when Raphael does the same to them. Raphael's eyes reveal nothing. Donnie knows he should apologize profusely, but he's still clinging to his pride, even now.

He doesn't apologize, but he amends his statement, in a smaller voice. "I hate that you're leaving."

It's not good, but at the moment it's something. Raphael leaves without a word, leaving Donnie alone.

* * *

The next few days, Mikey stays below the surface, Raphael stays above it, and Donnie weaves his way between the two worlds. The Slasher kills a few more people, and its all over the news like before. Witnesses who have seen a glimpse of the Slasher describe him as a monster, not human at all. Donnie notes the serial killer's strange habit of destroying anything between him and his target with his weapons. The cameras can never get footage of the Slasher, but from his work it is apparent that he uses swords to slash through his obstacles.

Donnie accidentally finds a lead for Raphael on the Slasher while on a stealth mission of his own.

Bishop's secret lab is not hard to find, especially with Donnie's smarts and deductive reasoning. Donnie's infiltrates Bishop's lab - which is stationed in an old TCRI facility a few miles away - with ease and finds what he's looking for: a flash drive of information on Bishop's illegal projects of psychological experimentation on live animals… and mutants. It's disgusting, but Donnie doesn't see any more test subjects when he sneaks around the lab once more, stopping only when he sees some newspaper clippings on a desk. Strangely enough, they're all about the Slasher's recent activities. There's nothing else that seems useful for Mikey, so he decides to head home.

It feels like someone is following him as he runs through the night, on the rooftops of the city, but the feeling disperses soon. Donnie's too busy thinking about what he knows, his mind already fitting the pieces together.

The Slasher uses weapons like Leo's katanas. Mikey noticed it first, from the news, and it was incorporated into his dreams. Bishop's lab, not having any test subjects. Why? Is he hiding them somewhere else? Has he given up? The way Raphael described Leo as unrecognizable, hostile towards family, even after years… something's up.

Donnie plugs in the flash drive into his computer in the lair, settling down in the living room. He opens it and immediately finds files upon files of research and experiments - all related to hypnotics.

Donnie sits back, surprise overcoming him. He expected to see something on drugs or something. Hypnotism, though?

Why would Bishop want to hypnotize anyone? Suddenly what's wrong with Mikey and why nothing's been able to cure him makes sense now. Bishop placed something in Mikey's head, some kind of mental imaging trick - Donnie's breath catches in his throat. Of course. The Slasher, whose actions _appear_ jolted and odd - maybe he's one of Bishop's test subjects.

Crazier things have happened.

The mystery almost solved, Donnie picks up his phone to call Raphael, but when he turns around, someone is already behind him, and has been standing there for who knows how long. Donnie sees the stranger's face and feels his own grow stony and cold.

The Slasher is Leo.

There's not a lot that Donnie can do to block Leo's hits, to dodge his motions. Leo's in for the kill, unaware of anything himself, shrouded by whatever monster he sees instead of Donnie. The hypnotism is different in Leo, much more _intentional_ and runs deep, not as random as Mikey's. There's a shout - Donnie doesn't remember what he says to Leo - but it's all done too fast, and Donnie sees the blood before he really feels the pain of their father's katanas going through his plastron, through skin.

Donnie hits the floor and can only stare up at Leo, who he hasn't seen in years.

He's really missed him. It's not much of a reunion, though.

Leo leaves, and for that Donnie is grateful, because he's not sure he can get up to protect Mikey. Mikey's safe. The flash drive is still in the computer - clearly Leo's hypnotic instructions aren't specific enough to get him to take it back. There's some level of a victory like this, even if it hurts and Donnie's going to die like this.

Years of memories - Raph's teenage sarcasm, Leo's exasperated sighs, Mikey's shrieks of joy - echo through the lair, heard only through Donnie's mind.

Coldness creeps into his arms, each passing second taking a bit of his body heat with it.

As Donnie lies on the floor, his blood sinking into the carpet, he thinks of Raph, and how he's never going to get the chance to tell him that he's sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... took me too long to write and I don't know why. Maybe because of the gosh darn present tense! But I had a lot of fun figuring out how to give this story a good ending while keeping to the overall tone of the first chapter. Enjoy reading! :)

From the edge of the rooftop he’s perched himself on above the city, Raph allows Donnie’s words to roll around in his head, and they weigh down on him with a renewed sense of guilt he’s been trying to repress for a while.

_I hate you._

Raph doesn’t know why he’s obsessing over this. It’s been a few days. He’s always known that his bond with Donnie has been weak, especially after their fight. Raph had been frustrated, to say the least. He’d said some things he’s not proud of remembering.

He’d been livid back then, all the time. Their father had recently died and then Leo had left them. Donnie had stopped coming on patrol. 

Then Mikey had gotten hurt. _Taken_ right in front of Raph. One minute his brother was cracking jokes, and the next - he was gone, silence replacing his space with a dreadful implication. When they’d finally gotten him back, Raph had made up his mind to leave, to work alone, so that nothing like that ever happened again. 

Raph doesn’t remember how it even started, but the fight between him and Donnie had been the worst one they’d ever had with each other.

 _You aren’t good enough to be the leader, Donnie!_

After that, they had just stopped speaking. 

Raph doesn’t need to be a genius to determine that Donnie hates him for everything. And yet the conversation from a few days ago is still in his mind, replaying itself like a broken record.

The sun is setting behind the city skyline, the purples of the sky gently bridging the deepening blues with the sinking reds and oranges.

Raph would have been fine with being hated by his brother. But _of course,_ then his brilliant little brother with his too-kind heart had looked at Raph with an unspoken apology in his watery eyes and had said -

_I hate that you’re leaving._

It’s impossibly _worse_.

“You can just hate me,” Raph laughs harshly to the wind.

It’s unfair of Donnie to make him feel like he’s the bad guy.

He knows he is. He just doesn’t like thinking about it.

And _then_ , as if things weren’t already bad between them, Raph had revealed to Donnie the painful truth he’d been keeping to himself for the past year.

He’d told him about Leo.

Last year, Leo had shown up on this very rooftop one rainy night. An ugly feeling rears itself back on its hind legs inside Raph’s chest. 

Patrol as the Nightwatcher had been harder than it usually was. But at the sight of the eldest of the four brothers standing against the rain, Raph had felt nothing but pure relief. Leo’s blue headband had been in tatters around his neck. He’d been staring out to the cloud-smoked moon, standing like a beacon in the dark storm. Seeing him there, it almost looked as if he had never left.

 _Things are gonna go back to normal now,_ Raph had thought with a rising sense of exhilaration and relief as he called out Leo’s name. _Leo’s home._

But something went wrong.

In a completely unfamiliar way, Leo had launched at Raph, as if identifying him as an enemy. His katanas had been out. His eyes had been open yet unseeing, and so full of the intent to harm. 

Although Raph had had the sense to _escape_ and managed to without many scratches, the damage had been done. The realization settled after his shock passed. Leo had given them up. He didn’t want them anymore. 

Leo was no longer recognizable, that was certain.

And yet… Raph hasn’t let go of Leo. He thinks about his older brother and there’s a part of him that loves him, even if Leo wants nothing to do with them now. 

Leo had not shown up after that incident - but Raph still kept the information of Leo’s return a secret from Donnie. He hadn’t wanted to see Donnie be let down. It was better to let him believe that Leo wasn’t gone.

 _What now?_ Donnie had asked timidly after Leo had left them for the first time. 

Raph had been cruel. _You tell me, genius leader._

So for months on end, Raph had protected Donnie from the truth.

And yet a few days ago, he’d ungracefully revealed it all - and _walked out_ on Donnie on top of that. Now here he is above the busy streets, basking in the noises and shadows, and wondering what any of this has been for.

The day continues to dip down. The night is coming. By this point Raph usually dons his Nightwatcher gear and begins doing rounds, searching for areas to clean up, and listening to the police radio to each other over the right frequency. A few days ago he had saved a woman from getting her purse stolen. The week before he had taken out a street gang from vandalizing the side of a store. But his drive tonight is at an all time low, his mind continuously returning to Donnie. 

Besides, Raph doesn’t even have any leads on the _Slasher_.

The Slasher has been the most action Raph has seen on patrol in a while. A murderer on the loose, with no logic behind his actions, or so it _seems_ \- this is the kind of thing that would have piqued the interest of his brothers, if they were still a team. 

Donnie’s words float up, interrupting his thoughts -

_You’re doing the same thing as Leo, you asinine, hotheaded, infuriating -_

Raph groans. And closes his eyes.

The image of Donnie’s determined, loyal eyes are fiercely memorized in his mind. _I haven’t given up. I won’t, ever._

He’s obsessing over it. He has no idea why. It’s not like he had even expected his brief meeting with his brother to go smoothly.

_Don’t leave me. I need you here._

Raph winces, remembering how he’d shoved him aside. Opening his eyes, he glares at the sky. Donnie had been the one who had stopped coming on patrol to take an IT job. That’s why Mikey had been taken. Because _Donnie_ had left before him, technically. 

It never would have happened if Leo hadn’t wanted to leave.

And Leo wouldn’t have left if their father hadn’t _died_ -

The low tone of his cell phone rings, and Raph automatically picks it up, grateful to have a break from his own thoughts. “Yes?” he answers, hoping to hear - 

“Raph,” Casey says, and Raph doesn’t know why he’s disappointed. “The Slasher’s been spotted.”

“Where?” Raph asks, and stands up. He shoves the desire to see Donnie and Mikey, his brain is taking the reins over himself, and not his heart.

Casey gives him the address. “He was just there an’ gone in a blip. Least it’s what I hear. It’s on social media right now, April’s tryin’ to keep up. Think there’s gonna be another attack or somethin’?”

Raph pulls on his Nightwatcher helmet. “No idea, but we have to stop him.”

“Right.”

* * *

Raph gets to the place where the Slasher was last seen, but doesn’t stop to admire the view. He slips through the darkness, easily hiding from the public. The Slasher is usually quiet in his operation - silent and stealthy. As he moves across courtyards and through alleyways, Raph can’t help but think that if it were him, he’d have worn some kind of disguise as to not be so recognizable. Raph wonders faintly why the guy _allowed_ himself to be seen. 

He shakes the thought off. 

It can’t have been intentional, right?

The sky is as dark as ebony when Raph stops. Finding the Slasher is like finding a needle in a haystack. But as the moon rises in the sky, Raph sees the glint of the TCRI tower, and it makes his stomach churn. Bishop used to work there. On one of the secret floors, he’d held Mikey captive and done those horrible mind games on him - making him afraid of his own shadow. They’d rescued Mikey, but under no circumstances had they _saved_ him. 

Raph's fury is enough to ignite the sea. Bishop had disappeared a while ago, going completely off the grid, but if Raph _ever_ saw the man again...

Bishop had _hurt_ his baby brother. He had made him _cry._ And _no one_ gets to make Mikey cry.

This was what he had become the Nightwatcher for. He’d been angry and bitter and wanted to get away from Donnie at the time, sure, but more than anything he had wanted to fill the hole that that Leo and their father had left by leaving. He had wanted to redefine himself, give himself a purpose, and _make_ a dent of a difference because what the _hell else was he supposed to do?_

They’re freaks, mutant turtles living underground in the sewers with ninja skills. Options have always been limited. 

Leaving has always been _inevitable_. 

Raph has known this truth forever, even when they were kids.

But they had always talked about leaving and traveling the world _together._ The way Leo had left them all behind had _hurt._ He’d been dumb to think that distancing himself from Donnie and Mikey would make him hurt less. It’s only worsened the wound. 

His family isn’t all gone, and he needs them to heal. And they need him. And this is a dumb realization to be making in a dark corner of a courtyard where a serial killer could be roaming anywhere.

The Slasher is out here, somewhere. Raph has a funny feeling when he looks at the TCRI building. He has the weirdest gut feeling about _something…_ but he can’t put a finger on it.

Raph makes up his mind. He’s going to infiltrate TCRI to look for the Slasher. He has no proof or leads of why he would be there, but his gut usually is right about things when it comes to beating up bad guys. 

At least, that is the plan, but his cell phone rings again. Raph picks up.

“Casey, do you have new information?”

There’s a wet sob on the other end that is definitely not Casey. Raph’s mind comes to a complete screeching halt.

“R-Raphie. I need your help. I’m lost and I need to get back - ”

It’s Mikey. 

Raph doesn’t hesitate. He isn’t physically capable of it, when it comes to his brothers.

* * *

Somehow, Raph manages to find his baby brother from the confused, terrified, clumsily-stringed description of the streets that Mikey can give. All it takes is some heavy-duty sprinting and hitching a ride on the back of a bus, his heart beating in trepidation the whole way.

It’s bad enough that he can’t get an explanation from Mikey over the phone. Coaxing words out from their youngest was something he’d never expected to do before the Bishop thing. What’s more unnerving than Mikey’s panic, however, is that he’s on the _surface._

Mikey never goes up to the surface.

“Mikey?” Raph shouts as soon as he sees him, nimbly jumping off the moving bus to dart into an alleyway. “Mikey!”

Mikey stands in the middle of the narrow alley, wearing a long coat and wide-brimmed hat to hide his face. It’s their old disguise for whenever they needed to go grocery shopping or something. A couple of plastic bags are curiously looped through Mikey’s wrist.

At Raph’s voice, Mikey screams and looks around, his eyes cloudy and angry, one hand going to his nun-chucks that he hasn’t used in… well, as far as Raph knows, years.

“Wha - no, get away from me!” Mikey gasps out in a panic, his eyes wide, enraged and terrified more than Raph has ever seen him.

“Mikey, buddy, it’s just me!” Raph says, landing gently in front of him. “It’s just Raph. You remember you called me, right?”

Mikey’s huffs are rapid, his eyes not focusing, not seeing Raph at all. For a moment it looks as if Mikey is going to charge at him with his once-favorite-phrase, _“Cowabunga!”,_ in attack mode just like Leo. Raph knows that he personally would love to hear some semblance of his little brother back to normal again. But instead, tears erupt from Mikey’s eyes.

“Whoa, Mikey,” Raph says as softly as he can manage while _all_ the red flags are going up. Somethings wrong. Something is _definitely_ wrong. “What’s going on? Why are you up here?”

Mikey backs up into the wall in fright. “Th-this sucks, I hate being up here, but I had to come, and then I got lost so I called you. You can take me home. Right?”

“Sure. But what’s with the bags? Doing some shopping for Donnie?”

At Donnie’s name, Mikey stiffens, his eyes flashing in alarm.

“Donnie needs me. There’s an emergency,” Mikey says, and his eyes travel across the ground urgently, as if searching for a manhole. “I got lost too much - the shadows and the corners won’t stop _moving_ , and they’re trying to chase me.”

Raph freezes at the word _emergency_. 

“Mikey,” he says, trying not to raise his voice. “Is Donnie alright?”

Mikey looks at him, and his eyes reveal too much and too little at the same time. “Take me home, Raph.”

* * *

Raph sees red before he sees purple.

He swears, loudly, running over and sinking to his knees where Donnie lies - his body too covered in deep red oozing liquid to determine where the slashes start and end. Donnie’s eyes are half lidded, his face a pale green, and Raph’s world is tilting sideways, completely wrong and illogical.

No - how - _why_ -

Donnie’s hands are weakly pressing red-stained towels over his plastron, where the largest gash is. Raph’s hands come up to press down over his, and Donnie groans. Tears form in his eyes, and they start to roll down the sides of his face, in too much trauma to talk clearly, even though it’s clearly obvious he has something to say when he sees Raph.

“Shut up,” Raph says before Donnie can even get out a word. His voice cracks in his panic as he staves off some of the blood flow. “Shut _up._ ”

Donnie lets out a low hum in response, brown eyes disappearing behind his eyelids.

Raph cannot fathom how this managed to happen. Donnie had been _fine._ That had been, what, like three days ago? Donnie had been standing and completely fine and shouting at him.

“What happened?” Raph demands to know. He’s staring at Donnie but the question is directed at Mikey. “ _What the hell happened_?”

“I _found_ him like this,” Mikey replies as he rummages through his bags. His voice is trembling. “H-he was barely able to talk earlier, but I found something in one of his notebooks about treating bigger wounds, so I - well, we didn’t have the right stuff, so I had to go _up there_ \- ”

Raph raises his head to look at his baby brother, who is pulling things out of the plastic bags. Mikey sets down something that looks like a bag of IV fluid down next to Donnie’s open laptop. On the top it says _Lactated Ringers,_ and then a lot of little words underneath that makes Raph’s head spin. The coffee table is soon filled with all sorts of medical equipment - needles, clear tube wires, bandages, a roll of medical tape.

It starts to click together. Donnie was hurt, and Raph wasn’t here, so Mikey had to go up to the surface all by himself, which he is _terrified_ of, to buy all of this stuff.

Mikey looks at a thick notebook with Donnie’s scrawling handwriting for directions. His eyes are wide yet serious, and his hands tremble as he begins to set up the IV, but there’s something brave about him that Raph hasn’t seen in a while.

Mikey glances at Donnie. “We gotta stop that bleeding.”

“Dammit, I’m _trying._ ”

Donnie can barely talk, but he continues to try. One hand slips out from underneath Raph’s. He looks like he’s going to faint.

“Donnie?” Raph calls frantically. “Donnie, stay with us.”

“He’s going into _hypovolemic shock._ ”

“What?”

Mikey lifts his head from Donnie’s notebook. “Losing too much blood. His heart doesn’t have enough to pump, so the rest of his body’s freaking out.”

Raph looks helplessly at Donnie’s directions in his notebook. He desperately wishes he paid more attention during all those times when Donnie talked medical jargon at him. 

“So what does it say we have to do?”

“ _This_ ,” Mikey replies, and gestures to the IV bag and supplies in front of him. He blinks rapidly, breathing hard. Raph notices how Mikey keeps his head down. In his head, there’s probably a monster on the ceiling he’s trying not to look at. “I need to set this up right. Give me a minute. Stop his bleeding, Raph.”

Raph opens his mouth, because at this point he figures he needs to say something comforting to Mikey, but he shuts his mouth because it looks like Mikey’s managing to take care of himself pretty well, considering the circumstances. Besides, Mikey always paid more attention to Donnie’s excited rants than he did, and he can’t afford to interrupt his train of thoughts.

Raph may be the older brother here, but he feels the strangest sensation that he’s somehow lost the right to call himself that.

Donnie shifts under him, and Raph looks down at his brother, who, to his horror, is _trying to sit up._

“What are you _doing_?” Raph asks, hurriedly supporting Donnie’s shoulders with one hand so his brother can rest back down easily without falling. “Don’t be an idiot!”

“Need… to tell you something,” Donnie manages to say in a whisper.

“Tell me when you’re not _bleeding to death,_ you _moron._ ”

Donnie doesn’t answer, and the irritation turns to fear and floods Raph’s veins. Turning to the coffee table, he grabs more fresh towels and piles them over the bloody ones.

“The hell - how did this even _happen_ ,” Raph breathes as he watches the clean towels turn red, like a sickening magic trick. 

Donnie groans, a sob in his mouth. There’s something about the sound that is so _sad_. Raph reaches up with a free hand, gently smoothing out the wince on Donnie’s face with his fingers.

“Look, I’m sorry for calling you a moron,” Raph grunts out. “I’m a piece of shit, I know I am, and you can call me out on it as soon as you get better, okay? Deal, Donnie?”

Donnie’s breathing is shallow. Raph’s never been this scared in his life.

None of them have ever been this _injured_ in their lives.

“Mikey, how are you doing over there?”

“I’m almost done!” Mikey says. “Just hold on!”

Raph doesn’t know if that’s directed at him or Donnie. Whichever way, there’s no way he’s letting go, though. He’s been a shit brother for the past three years, maybe more. He’s not leaving his family ever again.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Mikey says, and holds up the needle for the IV, medical tape in his other hand. “This is the hard part.”

* * *

The air in the lair smells like dried blood and fear. The TV is on, and Raph is staring at the headlines. His phone has rung too many times to count - from April and Casey, who are texting him the news, to _watch the news_. 

Mikey watches with tired, scared eyes, his body curled in on itself from the foot of the couch where Donnie lies.

“Don’t look, Mikey,” Raph says, but Mikey doesn’t stop looking.

The headlines read, _SCIENTIST MURDERED BY THE SLASHER, SLASHER LEAVES OMINOUS MESSAGE._

“Reports say that Dr. John Bishop’s body was found in one of the hidden rooms within the TCRI building. It was discovered this morning as a result of the damage left to the building by the Slasher. Footage has been captured through surveillance cameras, but the actual face of the serial killer is too difficult to see. The Slasher also left a very disturbing message on the walls, introducing new material to this case…”

So… Bishop was found and killed by the Slasher. It had all happened last night. Raph had been about to go _into_ TCRI. He’d been so close to changing the way these events played out. And yet, knowing that Bishop was dead… Raph doesn’t feel all that remorseful for the man who tortured his family. He isn’t sure what that says about him.

Raph turns away as soon as he hears Donnie groan. He crouches next to Donnie.

Donnie’s torso has been bandaged. The bleeding stopped after some point, and with the IV drip, his breathing was stronger and color was returning to his complexion.

When Donnie opens his eyes, Raph inhales like he’s been underwater all night. “Donnie.”

“Hi,” Donnie croaks, then clears his throat. He blinks slowly, taking in Raph's features like he’s seeing him for the first time. “ _Raph._ ”

Not Raphael. That’s something. Raph swallows and smiles.

“You sure know how to terrify me,” he says, hoping to get a smile back.

He does. Donnie slowly sits up. Raph is itching to ask the question, but he’s careful to not overwhelm Donnie. He will definitely probably murder whoever came into their lair and slashed Donnie’s body, but the important thing is that Donnie’s safe right now. He needs to be patient.

“I thought you were going to die and leave me,” Mikey says, sniffing. His voice is wobbly, and there are fresh tears in his eyes. 

Automatically, Donnie reaches a hand out to Mikey, and seems to see the IV drip in his arm for the first time. 

“Did you do this?” he asks. “This is great handiwork, Mikey.”

Raph can’t believe how _chill_ Donnie is right now. “How are you feeling?”

“Honestly? Pretty good for someone who almost just departed this world.”

“Don’t joke like that,” Raph says.

“Sorry.”

Donnie doesn’t look very sorry, but he does look thankful. He turns his head to see the news, and his eyes widen at the headlines and ongoing story.

“We have no further updates on the investigation, but police are looking for the man society has dubbed ‘The Slasher’. Detectives say that this serial killer might qualify to be legally insane after being apprehended, as the message left last night at the Dr. John Bishop murder scene suggests a inability to control themselves.”

“Don’t look at it,” Raph mutters as Donnie watches the TV in alarm.

The news shows the image of the message that the Slasher has left. It’s on paper, and in blocky writing, are the words, ‘ _NOW COME SAVE ME’_. 

It just looks like a crazy meaningless message to Raph that isn't worth thinking about, but Donnie inhales sharply.

“I hope I heal fast, then," he says grimly.

Raph follows his brother's line of sight to the messsage. Whatever it means, it seems to have made Donnie more alert, more awake.

“What are you talking about? You’re not going after the Slasher,” Raph says, confounded.

“This is crazy, though,” Donnie goes on, not hearing Raph. “The Slasher killed Bishop. But he was _working_ for Bishop. Meaning he was able to break out of his hypnotic conditioning long enough to do that - that must have taken a _great deal_ of self control. But all because of me? He felt... he must have felt it when he... maybe he recognized me? _Remembered_ me?”

Raph stares at him. “Donnie, are you feeling alright?”

Donnie smiles. “I _am,_ actually.”

“Great. So then,” Raph grabs Donnie’s shoulders gently and forces his brother to look at him. “What the _hell_ happened?”

Donnie’s strange mood goes away immediately as he gets serious. 

“I found Bishop’s secret lab, and I took some of his research and experimental data,” he says, gesturing to his laptop on the coffee table. “I didn’t realize I was being followed. They snuck up behind me and… well. I guess you know the rest.”

Raph feels a wild rage coming on. 

“When I get my hands on the bastard who came into our home-” he starts darkly.

Donnie doesn’t hesitate to interrupt him. “It was Leo.”

All three of them go dead silent. Raph freezes, and stares at Donnie. There’s no joke in his little brother's brown eyes, and the horror sets in Raph's bones with the crisp coldness of shock.

“Wh-what?” Mikey asks, paling.

Raph can’t get ahold on his words. “He... came… here… and… _Leo did this?_ "

Raph isn't sure how he looks right now, but by the way Donnie leaps to explain, worry creasing his brows as he looks into Raph's eyes, it can't exactly be a _calm_ expression.

“Y-yeah, but he didn't know what he was doing! Because he's under hypnotic commands, given by Bishop." Donnie takes a deep breath, but there's nothing under or over the city that can prepare Raph for his next words. "Guys… he’s also the Slasher.”

Raph can’t figure out how to make words with his mouth. His mind flashes back to when Leo attacked him, unrecognizable. Unrecogni _zing_. The way Leo had moved, the unnatural way he swung the katanas, _and_ \- the way Donnie's been injured. The Slasher always leaves the same type of destruction - something only sharp katanas could do.

Leo? Their Leo?

“Leo… has been… doing all that?” Mikey’s voice dies away. “No, that’s impossible. Leo’s right here. He’s talking with Dad in the dojo… right?”

Mikey sounds confused, like the timelines have started to trip him up again. He shakes his head.

“No, Dad’s dead. Right. I keep forgetting,” he mutters, and if Raph's heart wasn't already ripped to shreds, the way Mikey's eyes keep clouding between confusion and clarity would have done it.

“ _Bishop’s_ been killing people through the Slasher,” Donnie says, softly. “And the Slasher is Leo, but _our_ Leo isn’t in control. I started piecing it together after you dreamt of Leo’s katanas after seeing the Slasher’s damage on TV, Mikey. You noticed the similarities subconsciously. I didn't get it until I saw these newspaper clippings in his lab-”

Raph snaps, finally.

“ _He tried to kill you._ ”

Donnie and Mikey turn to look at Raph. He feels a pool of hopelessness and a tide of fury come crashing down inside of him. The storm inside is averted, however, with a simple elbow nudge from Donnie.

“Leo isn’t the one who tried to kill me,” his brother says simply. “He isn’t in control. But look at the message he left us. He’s trying to be.”

Raph inhales carefully, trying not to fill his lungs with premature hope.

Donnie points for his laptop. “Bishop’s been experimenting using his hypnotic commands on various test subjects for a while. When he had you, Mikey, it was just in the earliest stages. We didn’t know what was wrong - or if whatever it was was reversible, but now we _do._ And it _is_ reversible. I have the research. He coded something into your head, so all I have to do is code it out. Er, uncode? De-decode? I feel like should know this.”

Something about Donnie scratching his head over a word is so endearing that Raph exhales all at once, burying his head in his hands.

He just... he needs a moment.

“Raph?” Donnie asks, and Raph feels a hand on his shoulder. “You good? This is all crazy, I know.”

“I’m sorry,” Raph mutters, dropping his hands but still looking down. “I never should have left. I mean…”

Raph takes a moment to sort out his thoughts. “I never wanted to be the one who was unreachable. I mean, sure, I wanted to get away, but I didn’t… I was so caught up in what I didn’t have that I forgot to pay attention to what I _do_ have. And I’m sorry. Because Dad wouldn’t have wanted me to act this way.”

“Whoa, am I still hallucinating, or did Raphie-boy just apologize?” Mikey quips, and it is so _Mikey-like_ Raph automatically lifts his head just to glare at him.

His glare drops, though, when he sees his baby brother smiling at him. His heart pangs at how nostalgic Mikey’s smile is. When he looks at Donnie, he’s surprised to see the purple-clad turtle staring at him, jaw dropped.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Donnie says slowly. “ _I’m_ the one who drove you away.”

Raph shakes his head. It’s too complicated to be summed up in just a few words like that, or for blame to be placed on one person. Maybe they’ll dissect what exactly made them break, what made them nearly wither away from each other, but for now things are good.

“While we’re apologizing for things,” Donnie pipes up. “I’m sorry, too.”

 _For what?_ Raph has no idea. But they can talk about it later. Right now, they work on the formation of a plan to save Leo, and how they will clear the hypnotic conditioning from his brain along with Mikey. Donnie leads, Raph follows, and even after Mikey falls asleep they continue to talk, carefully testing the waters and learning their way around each other again. They will save Leo - that much is one of the certainties of the future. But as the day creeps forward, they come to a new unspoken recognition about themselves.

And it is this. The threads that bond the four of them to each other are too precious to let wither.

* * *

_“At first appeared so heavy_

_The branches leaning down_

_But then I saw the low they go_

_They never touch the ground.”_

\- From the song “Threads”, Carole & Tuesday, sung by Nai Br.XX & Celeina Ann.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3
> 
> my [tumblr](https://adelfie.tumblr.com/)


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